Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.