Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
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Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.