It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 馃獎
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When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
File under excellent bookstore names.
I still haven鈥檛 used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I鈥檓 at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
They did not miss in the small print
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that鈥檚 not my name and I think you鈥檝e had enough.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me