You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
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GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
When you don’t understand how floors work
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once