Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
The happy life.. 😊
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Still my favourite meme.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*