Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
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If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah