[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
You Might Also Like
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye