My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
You Might Also Like
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything