I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
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My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
This will never not be funny to me.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus