“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
There’s always that one guy
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.