My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
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When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine