Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Breaking news:
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those