Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
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Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Think I pulled my liver
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier