Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
You Might Also Like
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.