Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
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My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Social Media and Real life
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded