I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
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My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.