America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
You Might Also Like
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.