St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
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Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.