My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
i hate you platonically
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.