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Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”