I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
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I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…