Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
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Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”