Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn鈥檛 affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
One of the hardest things I鈥檝e ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I鈥檓 sure he鈥檒l kill it here
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
*deals poker hand*
peacock that鈥檚 just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 馃槖
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been