If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
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i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law