“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
You Might Also Like
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.