I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
You Might Also Like
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
December birthdays be like…
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Can’t, holding a grudge
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him