Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
greetings!
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
live, laugh, laundry.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Teach your children to beatbox
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.