Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Buck naked
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *