autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
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No Shirt
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Welcome To Walmart.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.