*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
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My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Based Erika
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.