My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Home is where your toilet is.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!