Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.