After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
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