[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi