Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
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Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.