How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
You Might Also Like
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.