[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
OMG 🤣🤣
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”