Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
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Hmm, not sure about this change
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.