A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
🤭😂
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”