Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
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“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.