[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
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ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re