For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
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[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
don’t we all
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt