Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
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My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!