English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
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My favorite type of men is ramen.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it