“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
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Woke up with morning Yule Log
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
“What movie?” 🤔
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.