Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.