so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
You Might Also Like
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day