Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
You Might Also Like
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?