Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
#SaturdayBears
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow