It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
adam and eve had first world problems
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem